Very recently my last living great grandmother died and I’m not sure how to recover. I actually found myself grieving two people at the same time. A former therapist of mine told me that grieve was cyclical and in that moment I don’t think I grasped a deep understanding of what she actually meant by that statement. However, on February 28th, 2021, cyclical grieve came and paid me a visit.
I received the information that my last living Great had passed from this earth officially and my world as I knew it changed. I found myself crying and not just a few tears and light whimpers; but loud, agonizing, and uncontrollable sobs from deep in my core. Every piece of dignity that I had left my body and I was a mess. The mourning parade had actually started a few days prior when I first received the news that she was passing and I thought what had happened on that Thursday would be the some total of how I would react. Because in my mind, I had got it out and I was now prepared for what was to come. I lied good to myself.
What happened the day she actually died was perhaps the most shocking reaction I had ever expected to project from my person. I ended up walking in the rain because I couldn’t breathe inside my condo and the rain felt like a better option than suffocation. On top of that, this grieve wasn’t new. For the last 13 years of my life this volcano had laid dormant on the inside of me and then at the confirmation that I no longer had a Great anything alive on this earth it erupted as if Mt. Kilimanjaro had decided that my body was a good place to explode. I was of no earthly good to anybody that day.
Fast forward a couple days later when I realized what was happening, I understood that I was finally allowing myself to fully grieve the death of my Great Grandmother Francis that had died 13 years earlier. So here I am grieving for two women at once. Grieving an end of an era that had finally come and my body was telling me it was time to release. I opted out of the funeral this time and maybe one day I’ll regret that decision, but I believe it was the best decision for me at the time. I want my last memory of my Grandma Doll to be her living. Nobody can ever take that away from me.
I was never taught how to properly handle grieve. All I’ve ever seen was the people around me not cry or break. They just moved on. I don’t know if they cried in private or what, but all I saw was them moving on. So, I’m now on a new journey of learning how to process my emotions when a love one dies the right way. Pray for me.
One week down, a forever to go.