The month of September has been dragging me along. I started and stopped so many blogs this month. For some reason, I just found it hard to really get my thoughts organized on paper. Here I am now, trying again.

Throughout this month, the theme has been to give myself grace and find my joy. Somewhere in the midst of doing life, I lost it. I have never given myself much grace. Truthfully, I’ve never knew how. My life has always been fast paced and full. There has always been an obligation to fulfill and someone to “bless.” My needs have never taken center stage in my life, because when you’re a Christian, you should live a selfless life. Selfless for me being, to pile on projects and burn myself out.

As a result, I decided to quit. Yeah, I deleted everything. EVERYTHING! Well, except Facebook, because I haven’t figured out how to do it yet. I felt so free when I shutdown all my social media accounts. It only lasted for half a day, but it felt good. Once I got over myself (I realized that I needed those accounts to make announcements for upcoming projects), I just decided to take an extended break. I don’t know when I’ll start posting content again and right now, I don’t care.

Since I was a kid I have always felt an obligation to be “likable.” Social media can sometimes enhance the worst parts of us and before we realize it, we’re in a emotional spiral. Being on social platforms for me often feels like middle school. I wasn’t very popular, so when people actually did notice me, I wanted to give them a reason to stay. In middle school, I was the fat, invisible church girl who people liked to keep around just in case they needed someone to use for their own personal entertainment.

This month, I was tired of performing. I asked myself, “Why do you choose to participate, and commune with people, places, or things that don’t bring you joy? You are an adult now, you don’t have to do this!” Around the halfway mark of the month, I had no answer. I was just routinely producing content that I was no longer excited about, but felt obligated to be consistent. Why? Because if I’m anything, I’m loyal. Very loyal, even when it hurts me.

So here I am once again showing up when I don’t have to. It’s not easy changing your factory default settings, but I’ll do better. Please keep me in your prayers. Also, things will be changing here on the website as well. Stay tuned!

-Bri out!

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